A few weeks ago, I had the chance to interview my hero, snarky sex-columnist, Dan Savage. He gave a lecture at Indiana University. By the end of it, I would be teased in front of the campus/townie lgbt community and left alone with, IMHO, the sexiest man alive. My embarrassment and prepubescent desire, left me asking the dumbest of questions and fighting back massive wood.
Yes, Dan Savage is my hero. He should be yours, too! The man, through his weekly column (Savage Love), has brought sexuality and fantasy to the dinner table. With a healthy balance of snark and compassion Savage answers frank questions about sex, gender, fetishes and sexual health. He takes the fear and stigma out of the most taboo of topics. You can all thank Dan Savage for the birth of BadEvan. Without his column, I would never have been able to be so open, and a little crass, in my writing. He inspired me to never hold back, no matter what the ‘man’ thinks about it.
So, here I am at his lecture at IU, listening to this God among men answer secret ballot questions on sexuality and equality. Watching his every move, yes I was swooning. After going through the written questions he opened the lecture up for more. I built up the courage to throw my hand up. Wouldn’t you know, through the sea of eager people, he called on me. I stumbled in asking something along the lines of his opinion on the positive or negative aspects of the Hanky Code.
“Wow. Really? The hanky code? Does any one really use that?” I put my hand up, I thought there would be others, but no. I was the lone hanky coder. “Congratulations on being the last guy to use the hanky code. I don’t mean to piss all over you, unless you’re wearing a yellow hanky…”
I was fraking mortified! Not only was I the sole queer who rocks a hanky, but here the sexpert is saying I’m the only one. Damn it! Even in the gay community I’m a “freak”. I guess mother was right.
After the lecture was over, I dug down deep and found the courage to go and get my copy of ‘Skipping Towards Gomorrah‘ autographed and do the interview of my dreams. The fates must hate me… cause even with all the questions asked and books signed, when I walked up to his table, clutching the book like a tween death-gripping a picture of Zak Efron, he looked up and said… “Oh, the hank code guy!” FML! Seriously? He even autographed the book “To the king of the hanky code!”
After all the books had been signed and the other adoring fans had left with desire in their eyes… We got down to the interview. Standing in a room, alone, with the object of my wet dreams. I could barely find my thoughts. The long list of thought provoking questions had vanished from my mind. All I could think about was this hot stud taking me, right there on the table next to the stacks of his many books. I could feel him nibbling on my shoulder as he embraced me from behind… See! Even now he is THE masturbatory thoughts. This is why I couldn’t focus.
The questions I ended up asking were…well, lame. I had asked better questions when I wrote for my high school paper. Granted I didn’t bust out the classic…”What’s you favorite color?” or “What was your worst subject in school?“. I may not have asked those questions, but the ones I did ask where just as pathetic. Like asking about his family and when he started the column… all covered in his bio and also things that any one who was a real fan would already now. Which I did.
The big moment for me was when he stopped me and said “I keep wanting to check out your ass.” Holy Shit! Really? My ass? I turned quick so he could get a gander. Could my dream be fulfilled here at the Indiana Memorial Union? Nope. “I just want to know what hanky you’re wearing…” The god damn hanky code again! But then I thought… I wonder what hanky he would want me to wear? What dirty things would he want to do to/with me?
It was at that point I needed to sit. I was well beyond half-mast! It was a good thing I was wearing tight briefs and skinny jeans (yes, that can help you hide an erection). Do you have any idea how difficult it is to conduct an interview while your hiding an erection and unable to shake hardcore sexual thoughts about the subject? It’s not fraking imposable. I give my self credit for not drooling and whipping my little fella out…
The one thing from all my lame ass questions that I can impart to you the eager reader… is this. I asked what he would like to say to my young lgbt readers (in hindsight that sounds so fraking arrogant)? Savage responded, “It’s your time now. Do something with it.”
So, the next time I’m in Seattle I will beg him to let me re-interview him. I promise to beat-off before hand… that way I can stay focused and on point. Afterwards, we can go back to making all my dreams come true 😉