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My Broken Heart Wont Heal

I was just starting to get over him, Scotty. It had been a month since he ripped my heart out and poked it with a stick. He just didn’t love me the way I loved him. Scotty said, “It’s not fair to you.” What a load of steaming monkey shit. He just wanted to go party with younger boys. Now I’m left with the aftermath of his inability to commit or be truthful.

I had to returned the V-day gift I bought him Just before his birthday, Dec. 31st. A rose dipped in gold. Not an over the top gift, but from the heart. The girl at the jewelry store felt so bad. She remembered how hard it was for me to get the damn thing in the first place. Plus, come on, I’m a blogger. I don’t have any money. I had to call Mike, an old chef buddy, to cancel the “special” reservations at his overly booked restaurant. “Well, you can still come. Maybe we could get something going on in the kitchen.” Nice idea, I’d like to slinging high dollar hash again, but not right now. Not on that day.

I’d finally stopped crying over the dumbest crap. I was like a women just starting menopause. The smallest thing would set me off. I’d either ball like a bitch or throw something in a rage. Have you ever cried at an insurance commercial? Well, I have. Every song on the radio, and my MP3 player, reminded me of him. How much I loved him. How happy we seemed together. He really hurt me. Yeah there is a softer side to the big BadEvan. Ok, maybe I’m not done crying yet.

Anyway, after splitting, telling friends and family, taking down the pictures and making the depressing mixed-tape… I was there. Almost healed. Rational thoughts were taking over. Through this I can focus more on my work, my book, and maybe find a better MAN. Not a boy. Then from the depths of dark irony…he emailed me.

What made this such a “Damn it!” moment, was that he decide to send this message on V-day. Yep, Valentines day. This prick chooses to reach out to me on the day for lovers to swoon. What could he want? In the back of my mind I wanted it to be me. Telling me how sorry he was. That he still can’t sleep without me. That his heart ached over what he had done. Nope! None of the above. He wanted the last of his stuff back. BASTARD!!!

He also wanted to know how I was doing. If I was feeling alright? How the surgery went? (Yeah, he dumped me exactly one week before my first of 2 surgeries, for Crohn’s disease.) I replied: “You emailed me TODAY, of all days, for your shit back? What are you thinking? Thanks prick! Do you really care how I’m doing? Or are you afraid I’ll fuck up your crap? You don’t get to ask how I’m doing. You made it clear that you have no interest in my well being.” He didn’t understand what the big deal was. I’m not surprised.

After a couple of gut wrenching phone calls, we agreed on a time for the exchange. I didn’t sleep for the next 52 hours. My mind was racing. Panicked over what to say. Would I lose it and cry in front of him? Worse, would I beg him to come back? No! I’m a brash asshole. I won’t fold. I won’t give him that power over me. At least that’s what I told my self.

When the time came, and he was there in my house, we said nothing. I wanted so badly to grab him, kiss him, tell him how he was hurting me. I didn’t. We loaded his car without even looking each other in the eye. I stood in the drive pretending to just be smoking. I was watching him drive away. This time would be the last.

It was a deep cutting situation. But I’ve licked my wounds and now I’m really starting to recover. I’m closing this chapter of the book. While I’m saying “Goodbye” to Scotty, I haven’t ruled out love. There will be a time and place when the heavens will grant me an angel. Just not right now. I’m not rushing or even looking for another. I was single for 4 yrs before Scotty. I’m glad it wasn’t 5. The clock starts over.

BadEvan’s Broken-Hearted Playlist:

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I am the one and only...Bad Evan.

13 comments

  1. I totally understand your situation, broke up before, cried like mad, hopin he would come back and stuffs but there are times we have to really stand up for ourselves. If he doesn’t even care how we feel, why must we cry and cry and whine about how sad we are? That will just make him think, “YES! I’m such a powerful person.” Truth is, FUCK him. He obviously doesn’t know what is he losing. I hope you will stay strong and be really cautious when you’re choosing a partner. Good luck! :)

  2. I am sorry to hear about your broken heart,but just remember, even though it is painful now…THIS TOO SHALL PASS! Thank you for your prayers for my mom.

  3. I am recently single too. For some reason I am not motivated to meet anyone else right now and have been super self involved. I wonder why?!?

  4. i’m sorry for your loss :( you will find love again

  5. Oh Evan! Lordy, I’ve been there before (more than once!), but let me tell you Mr. Right is out there.

    Scotty was part of your preparation for your perfect man. I can’t wait to hear about when you meet him.

  6. Sorry anyone has to go through something like this, but it makes you stronger in the long run. Hang tight.

  7. Yeah that always Sucks especially round Holidaze* Well the best way to Get Over someone is to Climb On Top o someone else!!

    ;PPP

    http://www.neave.tv/#gay_bar

    c0olest site i’ve seen in ages! awesome Art + Music Vidz*

  8. @Cedric: I think I did a pretty good job of staying strong. He’s called a couple of times…I didn’t even answer the phone. As much as I miss him and want to be with him…I’m not the type of guy you can hurt me, then expect me to take you back. How could I trust you not to do it again? *when I say “you” I don’t mean you…I’m sure you’d never hurt me 😉

    @Anna: It will pass, it already has started to. I think I mostly fear getting older. That I’ll end up old an alone…

    @Natalie: We should be more self involved! One of Scotty’s big probs was lack of respect for my work. He didn’t think of blogging as working. Even though I make a living, all be it a small one, doing it. We need to be with people who can be apart of our lives. Not complications or distractions to it.

    @tl: I’m sure I will. It’s just that time between…it’s a killer. Even though I don’t want another guy right now…it would be nice if there was at least an interested party.

    @menopauseprincess: That has got to be the most optimistic sentiment I’ve ever heard. My mom needs to take lessons from you. As I was crying, and throwing things, her best advice was “better to have loved and lost, than to never have love at all.” Not very comforting mom.

    @Margaret: I don’t know about stronger…but it did make me more determined to succeed in my writing/blogging. At first it was just because I wanted to fill the void and refocus my emotions. Now it’s because it’s my dream goal and I want to rub it in his face some day. ” Ha, I’m a best selling author and famous blogger…your loss bitch!” Just a lil bitter. 😉

    @BillyWarhol: The thought is great, and hot. But I’ve had my gay whore days. Teens and early twenties…I’m a one-man kinda guy now. PS. that is one of the funniest vids I’ve seen in a while. Thanks.

  9. I have cried over insurance commercials and I have thrown pillows at the TV whenever they’d play the “im happy so happy” ad.
    Time to get going, friend. Thanks for still believing in love. Maybe you can put upa club called “I’m scarred but still (trying to be) a love disciple” I’ll join.

  10. I’m sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship,when you give your heart unconditionally for someone to go and break your heart ,it just goes to show how shit that person is to begin with,it hurts like hell but in the long run someone else will come to you who will treat you with the respect you deserve and show you more love than you can imagine , I know ,i’ve been there,two failed marriages :( now I have my perfect partner and look at it as ,if i hadnt have gone through what i did at the time ,I would never have met my fiance ,, it will get better, good luck x

  11. there is a nice song…

    apologize by timbaland

    nice to know U really…

    -rama-

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